I love you. Yep. I do. I want more than anything to protect my heart. Sometimes, you don’t have a choice in the battles your heart engages in.

There are even times when your heart and head do not agree with each other. And that is more often than not. Heartache and I have become good friends. Knows me by name. I’m finally to a point where you have to start saying what’s on your heart.

I had a plan for my life, like most people do but it failed. Horribly. When I love someone, I love with everything I have. I don’t like to short change anyone. And maybe that’s where I mess up. I should place my love in those little 100 calorie baggies and give it in small sensible doses. But what is the fun in that?

My love is not a snack. You can’t get it whenever you choose. It’s definitely part of a healthy, balanced diet.

Look, its 3am and I can’t sleep. Thoughts of you are blocking my blessings of sleep. That and allergies.

patlam:

lol whoa.

I’ve felt sick to my stomach since Thursday morning. I’ve also been really good about being more positive and thankful about life and those in it. And it seems as soon as I become thankful and appreciative and letting everyone know that I care and I love them, they are being taken from me. I know death is a part of life. The day you are born is also the day you start to die.

I’ve had two people taken from me in the last month. And yes, that’s a selfish statement. The most recent death has really put things into perspective. I’ve hand written letters to almost all my friends, some are taking a little longer than others but they will have in writing how much they mean to me and that I basically consider them family. Even though I’m already dying I want to live each day I’m blessed to be here.

I say thank you when I wake up and before I go to bed and even a few more times throughout the day. I talk to my mother everyday, even if it is just to tell her how much I love her. I’m in love with a man I can’t seem to tell that I’m in love with him. First I was just afraid. Now, he’s avoiding me. Funny how that works. Just want to let him know anyway how I feel. He may or may not deserve it. But it will provide me with an emotional release and I will be able to move on. I’ve learned not to stress over the things of which I have no control. If I cannot change it then I will just move on to the next thing I can fix.

Forget what you know. Focus on how you feel. What do you feel? Anything? Are there many different feelings? About life, about work? About me? Ha, because if you asked me those same questions I’d be able to give an entire book about feelings with each topic having multiple chapters.

You’ve violated me. You have put yourself in places that I usually have on lockdown 24/7. You found away around the walls and touched what I keep in the vault. I get so angry for not having better security, better protection around my vulnerability. I quickly build up more walls but they aren’t as strong, not as high. Which you manage to clear with little or no effort.

I find myself back in an all too familiar position. I am exposed and no matter how I try to hide, it bleeds through. All over my hands, my face, my chest. I can’t wash it away; it isn’t dirt. No matter how much I scrub I can’t erase it. You’ve already left your mark. Your X across my heart. I want to forget you. I know how this will end. I can’t protect myself from you because you’ve buried yourself in my thoughts. I live in my fantasy because reality blows.

I want so much to hate you, even though I know the severity of the word. I can’t. I secretly don’t want to. You currently don’t see me, the way I see you. The more time we spend builds a bond, a relationship. A friendship. And that’s where I’ll stay, that is my place in your life. I can’t change it or eliminate that role for me. You’d have to see my potential to be more. Now I’m right back where I started. Breaking my own heart. I will blame all this pain, all this hurt on you. Because it’s all your fault. Yep, your fault for starting me up, breaking me down and having me surrender.

I will hate you. Well, I will try to hate you; its almost impossible to do. Even though I build walls, hide behind bulletproof glass ultimately my heart wants to give my love to someone. I won’t stay guarded for long. My heart doesn’t communicate with my brain. My brain will say no, no, no, and my heart will say yes, yes, yes! I think my wiring was attached different when I was created.

I will continue to have a war inside me. Some battles are won by my brain, the others…my heart. I think my heart is winning this one, kind of at the point of no return. Might as well embrace the pain. I already started on breaking my own heart, now I just need to find where I put that glue…